Hellboy: The Theory of Saints
by PJ-Harper
Summary: What starts out as a simple stakeout becomes more than Hellboy or the B.P.R.D. could have imagined as Hellboy accidentally stumbles on an ancient cover up by the Catholic about their Saints.
1. Chapter 1

Hellboy: The Theory of Saints

Chapter 1: The Tears of a Priest

I wonder. I wonder how long I have been sitting here on this cold stone slab. My butt is beginning to become ice. I have been sitting here for hours, hours waiting for some cuckoo priest who is reportedly trying to raise some demons from hell. To be honest I don't really see what the big deal is because after all that's my neck of the woods and I turned out all right. I hate this waiting in a graveyard in the middle of the night... I've seen enough horror films to know that the pretty boy is one of the first to go.

Then the walkie talkie connected to my belt went off, "Red. Is there anything on your end?" It was Liz. I tell ya I could sit up and listen to her all night. She has one of them timeless voices that is great for telling stories. Unlike my rusty old croaking voice.

"Nope not a God damn thing. Can we leave soon. I hear there is a double horror feature on TV tonight."

"Come on on red you know we can't leave until we get this guy. Besides you know all those classic universal horror films off by heart."

"Yeah but I have a real kinship with Frankenstein's Monster you know. I'm always hoping that just once the villagers will give him a break."

"Aww red you're breaking my heart."

"Your's and every other lady at the B.P.R.D. Liz."

"Keep dreaming lover boy."

Man I'm getting bored. Should have brought my rubix cube maybe tonight could have been the night I solved that damn thing. I begin to count the seconds between my breathing while also watching the hot steam pour in out of it. It's so damn cold. At least it isn't raining.

"Red... red. I think our guy's here. He is heading your way." Liz was speaking in a hushed quick voice.

I knelt down behind a tombstone big enough to hide me which trust me wasn't easy to find. Then I could see in the faint moon light the figure of the priest walking up to the old collapsed Church in the middle of the graveyard. I waited for him to unlock the chain at the door and enter the Church. It would make life easier if I caught him in the act... because I hate harassing Priest's otherwise, doesn't go well with my karma.

Once he was in there I got up from my hiding spot and began to creep towards the open door of the Church. It was dark inside there... I couldn't see what happened to our man of the cloth. Then suddenly a faint glowing green light began to pour out of the slight crack of an opening of the door... Crap.

I picked up the walkie from my belt and radioed Liz, " Hey we got kind of an issue here."

"What is it."

"The place started glowing green."

"Damn. I hate that."

"Yeh me too. It usually means that they are up to all kinds of evil crap. I'm going in so make sure that nothing enters or leaves the building OK?"

"No problem red."

"Good girl." I placed the walkie back down at my belt and then picked up my pea shooter of a gun. Manny took a bitch fit earlier in the month for destroying a millionaires mansion during a job. The guy had an alligator-monster-man problem and I took care of it. He said that the department couldn't keep funding my reckless behaviour and began calling me all kinds of names. He should have known better as I have a real mean temper and he got on my bad side so I threw a filing cabinet at him. As punishment he took away my standard issue gun... the bastard.

I creep up to the door as quietly as I possibly could. Once I reached the door I poked the tip of the guns barrel into the doors opening and began to inch it open slowly. It creaks a little but not enough to worry the Priest hearing... I was hoping he was beginning to lose his hearing.

I walk into the church... everything is covered in the green glow but there was no Priest to be seen. The glow seems to be coming from behind the crumbled altar. I walk over to it with the safety off just in case. As I begin to make my small journey around the altar I could see that there was a trap door behind it where the glowing was coming from. Green glows and trap doors... this is beginning to seem a lot like a B-Horror film... and like I said the pretty one always goes first.

I make my descent into what I can only describe as the Priest's own personal hell. I can begin to hear faint whimpers off in the distance. Even with the piss coloured glow I can't see more that 3 feet in front of me. Against my better judgement I thought I would use my flash light. I begin to shine it all over the place to make sure there is no little surprises to jump out at me. There is nothing there for me to get worried about so I begin to travel down the corridor towards the sounds of crying.

As I follow the corridor the sounds of the crying begin to get louder... so I think I am heading in the right direction. At the end of the corridor entered into to this large stone room where there is a fire pit in the centre where I can see that there are green flames... that answers the mystery of the green glow. Then I look up from it hypnotic glow to see that the Priest was staring at me with a look of horror on his face tears streaming down his face. Obviously he was crying

"No,no,no..." The Priest begins to shout in a terrified tone looking at me with wide eyes overflowing with fear. He must be mistaking me for the devil. I get that a lot. I think we might be related somehow

"It's OK just relax and come with me Father." I try to convey reassurance within my voice while I holster my gun and extend my stone hand to him.

"NO! YOU SHALTN'T TAKE ME TO THE UNDERWORLD! WE HAD AM AGREEMENT!." He begins to scream at the top of his lungs in fear and turned to run away from me.

"Hey buddy I think you've confused me with my distant cousin. Come on I ain't going to hurt you unless you make me." I grab him with my by the arm with my left hand cause I think he is afraid of my stone hand.

He pulls his arm away from me and shouts, "Let go of me demon offspring!" Then he takes out a knife and stabs my forearm with it.

"Son of a bitch that smarts!" I take a look at the stab wound and it isn't as bad as it felt he just cut at a strange angle... plus I am quite ticklish there.

"I must complete the sacrifice to correct for my pass sins..." Then the crazy bastard takes the blade up to his throat.

"Hey calm down and don't do anything stupid or else I'll get blamed by Manny and next thing you know he will take away my cigars."

"No I must try to redeem myself and stop the second coming of the Saints."

"I thought they were the good guys?" I try to inch myself closer towards him.

"You don't understand! It must be done." He began to shake and he pressed the blade up against his throat even closer. "Father forgive me for what I have done, please accept my sacrifice." Then he slit his throat and the blood begins to gush out.

"Crap!" I run over towards him and caught him before he hits the ground. "You crazy ass hole. It's going to be OK I'm going to get you to the hospital and it'll be all right." It takes me a minute to try and find my walkie to contact Liz to call for an ambulance. By the time however I pull it up to my lips he was gone. His blank dead eyes stare aimlessly up to the ceiling above. I sit there for a moment studying his face trying to make sense of what he was talking about. Then I notice that his mouth is wide open and there is no tongue within it. "How were you able to talk old man?" I don't know why I was asking him for as if I would get a response.

I then lay him gently onto the ground and stood up and began to make my way slowly back up to the surface. I take the walkie and tell Liz to call for the clean up crew as a bit of a mess was been made.

As I was making my exit I begin to hear what sounded like bones breaking. I turn to see that the Priest's torso apparently to be moving.

"Father?"

Next thing his rib cage begins to be pushed out and then suddenly his whole torso appeared to explode and his head and limbs where thrown across the room. At first I couldn't see what had caused what happened, all I saw is the place covered in blood. Then I look down and saw that my coat is covered in blood as well.

"Crap."

Then I look up and to where the Priest was lying just a few moments ago and now instead there was this hideous piece of crap. It just stood there staring at me intensely not moving the slightest hair. I could tell by it's appearance it wasn't going to ask me to borrow some sugar but instead it was going to try and rip me to shreds. I could tell it was sizing me up, I didn't mind that it did so because I was doing the same. It looked like a nasty piece of work. It was roughly human in shape bout had two clawed toes, dark mud coloured scaly skin, five sharp edged claws on each hand, a tail with a big ass spike looking end and a human face with red eyes and sharp looking teeth. Also it looked about 7foot 5inches tall so it had a height advantage and a weight advantage too I guessed.

"I take it you don't fear God too much after making dog food out of one of his men." I can't help myself I have to make a joke to break the silence. It also strangely helped me get ready to find.

For awhile I thought this thing was made of stone as it didn't appear to move once. Then after several minutes it blinked, then suddenly it lunged at me. I was completely taken off guard that I barely time to react. As it came towards me I jumped to the right just dodging it. After a couple of years in the field you learn a few things. As soon as I gathered my footing again the fuck was onto me again.

This time I didn't dodge it I stood my ground and made a swing at it with my one arm wrecking ball. It had this big toothy grin on it's ugly face . SMASH. My fist had broken its teeth and is lodged into the mouth. I have him.

Then this thing began to start laughing, looking me dead in the eyes. Next thing I felt him dislocate his jaw.

"What the hell are you doing!" I ask it as I try to pull my fist out of its mouth. This guy has a real hold on my fist no matter how hard I pull I can't even loosen his grip. "Son of a bitch let go!"

Next thing I know he begins to swallow my fist... just like an anaconda this guy is trying to eat me whole. He keeps on swallowing my arm, he is at the elbow now, if I don't act fast I'm going to lose one of my recognisable features.

I pull out Manny's pea shooter and begin to fire the whole clip into his chest. They all hit and enter him but he doesn't seem to have noticed them at all. I'm going to have to restore to plan B. I punch him in the gut as hard as I can, thankfully it lifts him up a few inches just enough for my plan to work. I swing my right arm with ugly attached and swing it over my head. His legs hit the stone ceiling and dig into it and drag big grooves into it. Then once he has gotten through that mess I slam him with all my strength into the ground making a miniature crater in it. The whole place begins to shake. I wonder if Liz heard anything and is on her way down. I could use a little back up.

The force is enough to stun him for a second and his jaw loosens just enough for me to get my arm out. I pull it out quickly and grab his tongue as I do so and rip it out. A little pay back for my arm. Blood begins to gush out of his mouth like a fountain.

I look at his tongue still wriggling in my hand. I drop it on the ground and stump on it. Then I feel a spark pain in my left shoulder. That ass just rammed his spiky tail into it and has shattered the bones inside it. He looks up at me lying from the ground with a smile on his face and a happy dance in his eyes. He then removes the spike and my arm is limb and I can't move it. My coat is beginning to get soaked in my blood so I rip it off I can't afford to have it dry cleaned again.

"Hey jerk that was a nice move I didn't see it coming but you should have hit my right arm, you would have had a chance then."

He stands up and faces me, smiling, not saying a word. The quite ones always creep me out.

"Aren't you going to say anything?"

Then he lunges at me again I dodge and then connect a couple of rights into his face. His blood flies all over the place. It is all going until he swings one of those clawed hands of his toward me. I take a step back and it just misses me but the he lifts his leg and kicks me in the face busting my right eyebrow. The blood pours down my face and into my eye and I can't see anything now out of my right eye. This guy is beginning to look more and more like the likely winner of this fight.

I begin to hear footsteps edging closer from the corridor. I turn to see Liz approaching us slowly with her gun drawn and ready to shoot.

Then that ass hole sucker punches me and I go flying into a wall. I struggle to get back up to my feet. I can see Liz empty her gun into his chest just like I did with no effect as well. He walks closer to her as she shoots and grabs her and he lifts her up to his mouth.

"Liz!" I stagger up to my feet and begin to walk over to them.

Then Liz lifts her hand and places it just in front of his mouth and shoots off a big flame down his throat. He drops her and and walks back a few steps in pain. I get over just in time to catch her.

"You OK Liz?" I ask as I put her standing up.

"Yes I'm just fine you big red monkey. Em red he is still standing." She points over to him as he composes himself to go for another round.

"Just wait here I'm going to trying and finish this guy once and for all." I walk over to him and punch his knee cap and he buckles and falls to his knees. "You're really beginning to piss me off!" I place my stone hand onto the top of his head and begin to squeeze. I can hear and feel his skull breaking as I do so. He begins to squirm in pain trying to pull away. Just a little more.

Next thing I hear is sound of an unfamiliar voice saying, "Stop." Then I see this hand grabbing the wrist of my stone hand and pulls it off the monster's head. And then I get thrown again at the wall.

I fix myself to see a black cloaked, hooded figure place his hand on the monsters shoulder and then turn into smoke and disappear.

"Red, red you OK?" Liz runs to my side and helps me up to my feet.

"Yeah, but did you get the licence of that truck?"

"Who was that guy?"

"I dunno but I think we should contact Manny... this case just got interesting."


	2. Chapter 2

Hellboy: The Theory of Saints

Chapter 2: The Secret Keeper

It must have taken around a quarter of an hour before back up from the B.P.R.D arrived. I take it they were waiting for our call which made me curious... had Manny known about the risks of this case before he sent us here. Usually it would take up at the very latest an hour or more before we would even know if back up was even being sent.

"Something just doesn't add up here red." Liz said to me after giving her case report to one of the suits that Manny brought along to investigate the scene. She was rubbing her arms due to the cold of this underground tomb. We weren't allowed to leave the scene until everything was checked out and cleared... I really hate protocol.

"I know Liz." I looked at the B.P.R.D medic who was giving my first aid on my busted shoulder. "Hey buddy do you think you could give us some space to talk?"

"Sure no problem Hellboy but I can only give you a few minutes or else Manny will know something is up and plus your shoulder really needs to get medical aid. I just tell Manny I need to go up to the truck up to get supplies." It was clear that this guy was afraid of Manny. Can't say I blamed him... if I was just an average Joe I would probably be the same. Manny had a reputation of firing and transferring guys to the crappiest jobs when they crossed him. So a lot of the guys in the lower ranks tried to stay on his good side.

"Thanks a lot... I owe you a beer." And with that he was gone and me and Liz where alone to share our opinions. "Well Liz what's on your mind?" I ask her while I take out a cigar and light it up.

Before she answers my question she begins on her views against smoking. "Geez red I really wish you would stop that. You know they will kill you." She has real concern in her voice as she repeats the familiar words to me once again... I like how she worries about me.

"Come on Liz give me a break. I bust my ass trying to save the world I think I deserve my guilty pleasures. Plus have you not seen this job it's more likely to kill me before these cigars really kick in. Anyway they aren't as bad as cigarettes... I ain't stupid." I can't figure out why she just couldn't drop it she knew I wasn't going to quit. Old habits are hard to break. "Any way what did you want to talk to me about before the medic returns."

"Oh yeah, of course. Don't you think it is weird how quick back up got here considering we were informed that this was a low risk case?" Liz was speaking a really quite tone so that no one would over hear our conversation.

"You must be reading my mind Liz. I was thinking the exact same thing. I was curious just by the fact that we were sent to a low profile case in the first place even if it was favour to one of my Father's friends." I took in a big draw from the cigar into my mouth. It was relaxing.

"You're right. Do you think we should ask?" Liz gestured her head over to the direction where Manny is standing as he gives out order's to the research crew who were gathering evidence.

"You leave him to me OK Liz." I didn't like the way he speaks to Liz when he was in one of his bad moods which was usually always. He always upsets her. I got up from the wall I was leaning against and took off my coat which was bit of a struggle seeing as I couldn't leave one of my arms but I managed. I handed it to Liz, "Here put that on it a bit chilly down here." She was beginning to shiver. "And be careful it's a little messy cause of the blood you know."

"Thanks. You're a real softy red."

"Sue me." It took me a couple of seconds to find my feet... I obviously lost more blood than I thought I had. I made my way over to Manny who was at the other side of the room. Bastard didn't realise that I was going to give off to him at some point and he is making me work a little harder in my condition.

When I finally got over to him he was on his cell phone talking to someone back at headquarters. I couldn't make out what the hell he was saying he was talking so fucking fast... it made my head spin a little.

"Hey." He didn't respond at all. Guess he didn't heard me so I think I will try again. "Hey Manny I have to speak to you for a minute."

He finally took a glance up at me for a second and then he tells the person on the other end of the phone, "Could you just wait one second please... Thanks." Then he looks up at me with a familiar hatred in his eyes. "What do you want you great big red idiot!?" I have to admit that does hurt a little.

"I want to speak you about this case."

"Damn it is that what you want!? We can speak about this later." With that he just returns to his phone call and ignores me. I don't like to be ignored... I am bit of an attention seeker.

So I use my working stone hand to rip the phone out of his hand and tell the whoever is at the other end that Manny will get back to them as soon as he can. Then I crush the damn thing... it was very therapeutic.

"What are you doing yo... you bastard!" I can see that Manny's eyes are really beginning to fill with hatred now... this is making me happy as I hope that he will say something that I can punch him for. I really need... sorry I mean want to punch something.

"I told you I want to speak about the case." I lean down to him and stare at him face to face.

He finally loses his nerve in the staring contest, "Fine what about it?"

"Well for starters how come me and Liz two of the B.P.R.D's top agents were sent to what was supposedly a low risk case and how come back up response was so quick for a case this level?"

"That is on a need to know basis you red ape."

"Well guess what Manny... I need to know." I clench my one good fist to try and intimidate Manny. I knew it wouldn't work he has become to use to my threats over the years. Still it was worth a try.

"Look I cannot tell you anything than what you already know so you can just go and fuck yourself." He shouldn't say stuff like that... especially when I am already really pissed off.

Manny went to turn away from me but before he could I grabbed him by the collar of his crisp white shirt and lifted him up about half a foot until his eyes were level with mine. "Listen here you prick don't forget I have been doing this job before you got your first erection!" I could see in his eyes that I had his attention now. I also heard Liz let out an unprofessional giggle from behind me. I was telling the truth I may not exactly look it but I am older than Manny... I just age well compared to humans. "So don't you ever think you are above me you little insect! You may have a nice, safe office job which God knows I could do but don't forget I am the only field agent who is completely cleared to look at any highly classified file." I know I am talking it a little far with Manny but he has been really pushing my buttons lately... like I said he took my gun away. "So don't bullshit me again... or I will break you." Everyone had stopped what they were doing and were completely focused on us.

Manny had a fear in his eyes of me that I haven't seen in awhile... I missed it. He took a yulp and then cleared his throat. "I can't tell you anything."

"Says who!"

"Your father. He gave clear orders that you were not to be completely informed."

"Well I suppose I will just have to talk to him." I quickly drop Manny onto his ass and begin to make my exit from this underground dump.

As I make it to the end of the corridor I can hear footsteps hurrying to catch up behind me. I thought it was Manny coming after me to give off some more. I clench my fist and turn to see who my follower is. It's Liz and she gives me a long cold icy stare. I unclench my fist. "I suppose you want to tag along?"

"Well how else are you going to get home to your father? In case you haven't noticed you don't blend in to well and you can't drive yourself with that busted arm." She storms right pass me, bumping into me as she does so. "So I've decided to drive your big red ass back to headquarters."

I stand there and smile to myself. Liz knows how to win a guy over. I follow her up to the church and on the way we walk into the medic who was beginning to patch me up.

"Em... where are you going?" Bewilderment grew over his face as we walked past.

"I got somewhere I have to be and mums giving me a lift there." I reply.

"Well I am coming too." He said as he double backed to join up with us.

"What the hell do you mean?" I ask him as I stop dead in my tracks and face him.

"Look Hellboy you really need your arm to be looked at ASAP. So I will try and fix it best I can on the way to where ever you are going.

He made a lot of sense... I hadn't really had time to think of it with all these damn questions rolling about in my head by it was really beginning to sting. "You got a point... fine you can tag along this once."

So the three of us made our way out to the grave yard and left it to find one of the B.P.R.D undercover ice cream trucks. It was a real step up from the garbage truck.

I got into the back with the medic as he began to patch me up. Liz drove into the darkness of the night. I closed my eyes I was really tired after my night out... I must have lost more blood than I thought or maybe the medic slipped me something but next thing I know I pass out and I didn't wake up until we get to the B.P.R.D. Headquarters the next morning/

"We are here sleeping beauty." Liz says opening up the doors at the back of the ice cream van. I stagger out... I am all patched up... even my left arm is in a makeshift sling of bandages.

"Your arm was pretty bad Hellboy your shoulder was shattered. So please try not to move it to much OK or the bone won't set right and we will have to re-break it." The medic tells me this while he wipes my blood off his hands with an old rag.

"Sure thing... I owe you a beer." I turn and begin to make my way into headquarters. I am not all that worried about my shoulder bone as seeing as I am some kind of demon I heal up pretty quick... so my arm will be ready to knock out Manny any time soon... what you didn't think I was going to hit him with my stone hand... I don't want to kill him or else I won't get my end of year bonus... cause I need that money to buy myself a new flat screen TV.

As the automatic front doors open to the B.P.R.D I can see an agent at the front desk reading some newspaper and I notice that there is a picture of me on the front cover with the picture of some Priest saying that he does not believe that I am a real demon but some nut dressed in a Halloween costume. I find it insulting as he says I am made up but he believes in Jesus who's blood is said to be wine.

The guard looks up from his newspaper and states, "I thought you were out in the field Red?"

"I was and I'm back to ask the old man a few questions... My arm is fine by the way."

"I thought there was no point in asking seeing as you heal quicker that Usain Bolt can get himself another gold medal." He said with a smirk on his face at his clever little comparison.

"Very funny... Just turn the God dam lift on so I can get down to see my father."

"OK Red I was just messing with you." He then pressed the magic little button under his desk and the floor opened up and I was swallowed down into the depths of the B.P.R.D headquarters.

Once down there I rushed over to my father's study to see what all the secrecy has been all about. As soon as I am at the door of the study I can hear my father having a conversation with someone... the second voice is not one that I know of anyone that works down here.

"You may as well come along in instead of standing out there... after all you came all this way to talk to me about the case." I heard my father say. He always seemed to have a sixth sense of when I was near... or maybe my foot steps are a lot louder that I thought.

I entered the room just as the old man told me too. Once in there I noticed that the person he was talking to was the Priest on the front of the newspaper who was calling me a nut in a costume. "What is he doing here... I just saw a paper with him saying that I do not exist."

"This is Father McCabe. He is an old friend of mine. The reason he said that you were not real is because I asked him to so that B.P.R.D is not at risk and is one of the Saint Keepers." My father said this as he poured McCabe another cup of tea.

"Saint Keepers? What the hell are they?" I asked... everything seemed to becoming more and more confusing as the day went on.

Father McCabe leant out of his chair just a fraction and looked directly at me. "We are the keepers of one of the Churches greatest secrets. I think you may want to seat down my boy."

"Maybe you should poor yourself a drink too." My father said to me while looking at the Priest. The few times when my father has told me to do such a thing I felt a pit in my stomach as I knew I was about to be told something that was not meant to be taken lately.

I poured myself a healthy dose of scotch and took a mouthful of it to prepare myself for what was going to be some life changing information.


End file.
